Post Bad Girls
by Jinxgirl
Summary: What if Buffy had tried a little harder to reach Faith after Bad Girls? This is the result. Rather fluffyish, the last of my "what if this had happened instead" series.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I just want to play with them a little while before escorting them back to Joss and company.

Author Notes: As you can probably tell from the title, this takes place directly after "Bad girls" in the third season. Immediately after Faith tells Buffy she has killed a man and doesn't care. Alternate ending. Summary of part of episode leading up to my story in italics.

_("Faith, you can shut off all the emotions you want, but eventually they're gonna find a body," Buffy said slowly, trying to keep calm, to keep her voice from shaking. She kept her eyes fixed on the dark-haired Slayer's back, where she was turned away, carrying her freshly rinsed out clothes, washed clean of Alan Finch's blood, to hang to dry on the radiator._

_Faith spun around, glowering defiantly, dark eyebrows drawn together. "Okay, this is the last time we're having this conversation, and we're not even having it now, you understand me? There is no body. I took it, weighted it, and dumped it. The body doesn't exist."_

_Buffy felt the impact of her words as though Faith had kicked her, knocking the breath from her. As she stared, mouth open, Faith looked back at her challengingly, as if daring her to speak again._

_"Faith…" Buffy managed to say weakly, "getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the body go away."_

_"It does for me!" Faith shot back, voice rising._

_"Faith, you don't get it," Buffy cried, her frustration getting the best of her. "You killed a man!"_

_"No, YOU don't get it!" Faith snapped back, leaning closer to Buffy… and a strange little smile, almost a grimace, crossed her lips. "I. Don't. Care."_

* * *

At those deliberate words, Buffy felt her heart go cold and pained with shock. She recoiled, swallowing hard as her companion stared back at her, the same leer on her lips. She really seemed to mean what she said… there was not a flicker of sorrow, a shred of doubt or remorse in Faith's hardened gaze. 

Looking at the callous girl before her, Buffy could scarcely believe that she was the same girl from the day before. This girl who stood here now… how could she be the same girl who had drawn a heart on the school window and enticed her into skipping class? How could she be the same girl Buffy had danced with for hours, the girl she had slayed with and shared a bed with, the girl who had always watched Buffy's back? How could the girl who could smile with the dimples and innocence of a child be standing before Buffy, having killed a human being, and telling her that she didn't care? How could this cold-blooded person- this murderer- be the Faith that was Buffy's sister slayer, the Faith that Buffy had come to love as much as Xander or Willow or Giles?

But it is, Buffy told herself, it is. This is Faith, she's still the same Faith… and you know how she is, you know the way she copes with things. She's scared, Buff, just as scared and upset as you are- she just won't show it. She always was good at bluffing, at blocking off her emotions, even from herself. That's what she's doing now… and you have to break through all that to reach her.

She lifted her eyes to meet Faith's again, swallowing once more at the hard look in the other girl's eyes… the anger and aggression.

"But you do care, Faith," she said quietly, her voice not quite as firm and level as she would have liked. "I know you do. You're trying to shut everything out, everyone… you're trying to deal with what's happened by denying it. If you act like nothing happened, then you don't have to feel anything about it… but you can't do this, Faith. No matter what we say or do or how much we want to change it or try to cover it up, it happened. You can't run away from it- you can't do this. Just- just pretending it never happened won't help anything, it will only make things worse. And I want to help you, Faith," Buffy told her, her voice lowering, shaking slightly as she looked at the other girl pleadingly. "I want to be here for you. I don't want to… to…"

"To what?" Faith interrupted, nearly spitting the words, and her dark eyes flashed spitefully, too bright, nearly fevered. "You don't want me to what, B? Go to jail? To be the bad girl, the fucking bad seed, the jinx you always tried to tell me I wasn't no matter what we both knew was true? You KNEW I was like this!" she accused, her husky voice rising, almost a shout, and she came around the bed, closer to Buffy, spreading her arms for emphasis.

"You knew I was like this, B, I never tried to tell you any different! You just didn't want to believe it!"

Buffy swallowed again, shaking her head. She was denying to herself not only Faith's words, but also her own initial inclination to agree with them.

"No. No, Faith, you're not. You're not a jinx, you're not a bad person. You're a good person- and that's why I can't, I can't let you do this to yourself. It was a mistake, you didn't mean-" Buffy began, but once more, Faith cut her off.

"What does it matter if it was a mistake?"she asked, sneering bitterly. "I still did it, didn't I? I still killed the guy. Me, not you- me. It's always me, even the accidents, it's always me. I'm the bad one, I'm the scapegoat every time. You, you walk away from everything smelling like a fucking rose, but me? I'm the one who walks away with bloodstained hands!"

Faith's breath was coming faster now as her voice rose even more. Her chest was heaving with her short, too-quick respiration, and her eyes flicked around the room rapidly, as if searching for an escape. She looked to Buffy like a cornered wild animal, one who might lash out at any perceived threat. Looking at her, Buffy would have almost been frightened, if not for the fear and panic she saw glinting so clearly in the younger girl's eyes.

"I won't do it, B!" Faith was hissing, her words coming out from gritted teeth and a tightly clinched jaw. "I won't do it, I won't put myself in jail or prison over that guy! I can't , I won't do it, I can't fucking do it!"

She's terrified, Buffy realized as she watched the other girl's balled fists, her nearly panting breaths, saw her legs beginning to shake. Her anger and aggression is probably all that's keeping her upright right now- all that's keeping her from falling apart, completely breaking down…

With this realization, Buffy felt all her fears and trepidations leave her, all her uncertainties and hesitance, and they were replaced with a compassion and determination. She had to get through to Faith- she had to break her, break through to her, in a way that would neither set her over the edge nor shatter her completely.

"You won't have to, Faith," Buffy promised, not quite sure that her words were true, but finding herself saying them anyway. "We won't let you. We can help you, as long as we do what's right. I was there- I can tell them all what happened, I can help you. It was an accident, we both know that. You're a Slayer- sometimes stuff like that happens. It's awful, and we hate it, but it happens, and we have to deal with it- the right way. None of us will blame you or judge you for it, Faith. It just as easily could have been me. It WAS me, once," Buffy said, her voice growing softer. She paused, looking at the other girl for a moment, as if she expected her to interrupt. When Faith didn't, just stared at her with the same defiance as before, Buffy took a deep breath, trying again.

"I don't think I ever told you, Faith, but I thought I killed someone once too. A human. I was questioned by the police and everything- even my mother thought I was a murderer. I-I let my temper get the best of me, and I pushed him down the stairs. At least with you, you didn't even know he was human… I was angry, and I didn't care. I mean, it turned out he wasn't human, he was an evil killing robot, but that's no the point. The point is, I know what it's like to take a human life, Faith," Buffy said quietly, looking directly into the other Slayer's narrowed eyes.

"I know what you must be thinking, feeling, even if you don't want to admit it. I know how horrible and guilt-stricken you must feel, how this must be all you can think of. I know how you must see it all constantly in your mind and wish there was some way you could take it back, some way to change it. I know you must be scared, absolutely terrified of punishment, even as you're certain you deserve it. I know, because I've been there, Faith," Buffy emphasized, stepping even closer to the girl, her voice intense with emotion. "I've been there, and I want to help. All of the others will want to help too. Giles, Mom, everyone. We won't let you go to prison- they didn't' let me, and they won't let you. But you have to do what's right, Faith, you can't hide it or run from it."

Buffy's voice faded, and she found herself near tears that she only barely managed to blink away. She wanted so badly for Faith to see, to understand… she didn't know how else she could show her, how else she could convince her. She wanted to touch her, to squeeze Faith's hand or shoulder and let her read the feelings she felt for her, jumbled as they were. But she didn't dare, not knowing how Faith might take any attempts at physical contact.

It was several moments before Faith replied to Buffy's impassioned plea. The dark Slayer was very still, her lips still tensed visibly, but much of the anger and defiance had faded from her expression, replaced with an almost helpless look. The look of a child who was very young and very lost. Their was a desperation in her eyes, a look of haunting fear and shadowy sentiments of hopelessness.

"You can't help me, B," she almost whispered, "not by telling on me. If you want to help me, you gotta cover for me. You gotta stay quiet. That's the only way, B- that's how it's gotta be."

Her tormented eyes met Buffy's, almost breaking the blonde's heart open with their obvious pain. Faith was beginning to crack, Buffy knew, and she wanted to put her back, patch her up, do anything to soothe the look in her eyes… but she couldn't. She couldn't…

"No, I can't, Faithy," she said, and her voice cracked. Blinking back tears, she nearly whispered, "I can't do that, I can't let you do that. Not just for Alan… but for you. I f you cover this up- if you let yourself walk away- the guilt and the pain will haunt you. I can't let you do that to yourself, Faith. It- it wasn't your fault, what happened… but you still have to face it. You still have to take responsibility for it. I can't let you not do that… because I don't want it to destroy you. I don't' want it to hurt you any more than you've already been hurt. But if you walk away, Faith… if you walk away, you'll never be able to forgive yourself."

For several moments Buffy didn't think that Faith would answer her. As the girl just stood there, her legs still quivering slightly, her lips thinned, and her facial muscles tensed. Buffy lowered her gaze, blinking back further threatening tears. She knew she had failed. She hadn't got to Faith, hadn't been able to reach her… and now the girl would be more remote and hard to impact than ever.

But no… suddenly Faith was swallowing, her eyes lowering… and she was blinking as hard as Buffy was, her eyes glinting, too bright, too shiny to be without tears. She shook her head, fists loosening, arms going around herself in an instinctively self-protective embrace.

"I… I didn't mean to do it, B," Faith breathed, her words higher in pitch and more unsteady in tone than Buffy had ever heard from her. "I wouldn't have done it, not if I knew. I didn't know… I didn't mean to. He was right there, and I didn't want it-"

Buffy took another step towards her, heart lifting slightly with her rising hopes, even as it wrenched with empathy for the other girl. She lay a hand on Faith's shoulder gently, gratified when the other girl just shook her head, not moving away.

"I know," she said gently. "I know you didn't, Faith. I know. It'll be okay. We'll help you, we'll figure this out."

"You can't, you can't help me, no one can," Faith cried, shaking her head violently. And then she was sobbing, the tears coursing down her cheeks, wetting the sides of her dark hair and dropping unchecked onto her chest. Her face contorted, and she lowered her head, her fingers digging roughly into her arms. "I did it… I killed him, I killed him, it's all my fault! Oh god…"

Her voice broke, and she could only weep steadily, shoulders bowing. Her heart twisting in empathetic grief for the girl, Buffy reached for her, taking her into her arms. Faith clung to her with a fierce needy strength, her arms locking tightly around the smaller girl, hands pressed against her shoulder blades. Buffy held her against her just as tightly, one hand cupping the curve of Faith's shoulder as the other gently ran over her long dark curls. Buffy felt her own tears beginning as she lay her cheek on top of Faith's head.

"No, it's not, Faith," she whispered into the weeping Slayer's ear, stroking her hair back from her face. "It's not your fault, you didn't mean it. But we still have to tell them…. We still have to make this right."

She could feel Faith nod faintly against her as more tears fell, as the other girl's arms pressed around her even more tightly. Relief mingled with her sympathy, so reassuring in its sweet sensation…

Later they would go to Giles. Later they would explain… but for now, Buffy put aside all other thoughts, all other plans, as she held Faith in her arms, sharing in the dark Slayer's pain and guilt.

end


End file.
